His heart vs. Mine

My husband left for his wilderness trip with no communication for the week on Saturday morning. This is not the first time, so I felt like this week was going to be a breeze. I’m fairly independent and enjoy some alone time now and then, so I welcomed this week to myself.  Turns out, with all this alone time today – it’s been a lot harder than I thought. My tender emotions have got me craving ice cream and feeling fuzzy-brained.

I’ve had far more introverted time than I really deemed necessary for the day and if I fold one more clean massage sheet from the dryer today – I may give up my career entirely.

When I was trying to write down a cohesive thought – I felt like God was trying to tell me something about how I need to listen to His spirit more. Or I thought he was trying to tell me not to make to-do lists on my days of rest because I’m only setting myself up for failure. Then I pondered the idea of being more disciplined. [Being more disciplined feels like a constant horn He’s trying to blow in my ear, but my type B personality runs from it like it’s the plague]. I sat down trying to write and force something that God was saying to me. But I didn’t believe most of what I was writing. I think He’s still working on all those things on me – but ice cream brain has me feeling like a zombie.

I’m thankful for phone conversations from friends who can read you like the morning paper. After a couple heart-to-hearts today and a few distractions, my head started to clear. But I’m still processing. God will teach me something this week with my husband’s absence and quite possibly through all these clean sheets. But I haven’t figured it out quite yet.

I’m afraid that today, I got lost in the monotony of dryers sheets and folded towels. I felt purposeless with no direction. I forgot that my God is personal. He’s with us in our laundry, our dishes, and our sugar-cravings. I wasn’t really allowing Him to change my heart today. I was just going through the motions of a mundane, Sunday afternoon.

I was working, staying busy, and attempting to keep my head from processing what I really feel like God was trying to speak to me over the noise I created in my day. I had a full 6 hours this afternoon to do whatever I wanted to get done. How much of that time did I devote to seeking God? How much time did I set aside to just adore Him as my creator, my Father, and my friend?

None.

How easy is it to let the priorities of your day or your life get pushed back by all the distractions that come your way?

And as I write this, I can’t get this song out of my head by John Mark McMillan. The lyrics say, “Your heart won’t stop coming after me. There is not a place I could escape you. Your heart won’t stop coming after me.”

I am so thankful to serve and worship a God whose relentless pursuit of us – of me, never grows weary. That even if I try to ignore Him or busy my life and my heart with things other than Him – He still won’t stop. It’s through the community of people, through the friends and family that I have, through the blessing of a ton of laundry from a full week of clients He has provided for me that He continues to pursue me with His incredible love. Sometimes it takes a while to hear His voice through the madness I’ve created in my day – but that doesn’t mean He’s going to stop coming after my heart. There’s no amount of laundry, busy-ness, or tasks on the to-do list that will keep Him from coming after all of me.

There’s often times a battle of the hearts. There are moments where my heart aches for a deeper relationship with God, with more time in His word, and quiet moments to worship Him. And there are times when that is the last thing on my mind. But my God doesn’t let my unfaithfulness affect his faithfulness. His heart for me doesn’t change. There is nothing I could do – that you could do, that make Him love us any less.


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